Saturday, March 8, 2014

please, keep knocking me to the floor

Lousy lesson today. I had been feeling really good about practicing this week, and had hoped for a lesson where I could show what I'd learned and work on what I needed to learn, but it was not to be.

The scale went well, the etude wasn't great but he decided it didn't have to be. So it came time to pick another etude; the next one in Kayser he looked at and said, flatly, "You can't do that. You're not ready." and fuck me, that was all it took to send me to self-loathing-land. It was just a little thing, but it caught me the wrong way at the wrong time. After that, I heard mockery in every critical thing he said. And there were a lot of them - you'd never know I ever practiced at all, for all the things he found wrong. We spent a lot of time on something he tossed at me at the end of the last lesson (and which I had not practiced much at all), so of course that had many awful things in it. I swear to god, if I played one nice thing, he certainly didn't notice it. By the time we got around playing something I *had* spent time on, I was so demoralized I just wanted to run away. 

Why do I keep doing this? It's like I'm volunteering for humiliation, week after week.

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