Thursday, March 13, 2014

the eternal afternoon

The Eternal Afternoon was a song I wrote a very long time ago, trying to describe an emotional state when something bad has happened in the morning, and now you have gained several hours' perspective and things don't seem so hopeless, but whatever happens will not happen until evening, and you're still in that holding pattern, waiting, waiting. It was not a very good song, but it was interesting in that I wrote the music immediately after dreaming it, instead of thinking it to death. Although I wrote the lyrics, I did not sing lead, just did the Exene-weird-interval-wailing thing. That was such a very long time ago.

I feel as though I'm approaching the point where I've had enough. Despite my still-strongly-held opinion of suicide, I also can't see any other way. I am not a fan or believer in "talk therapy;" I would not know how to ask for it or what to ask for; I don't see the point in paying someone to be my "friend" and stand me back up on my feet. Talking to a paid professional won't change things anyway.

There used to be (and maybe still is) the option to wait, wait until this cloud passes the sun and I can go on again. But I feel as though I am such a drag on everyone around me. It is such an effort to hide so much negativity, and much of the time I don't do it very well. 

And even once this passes, everything is so pointless and inconsequential; I might as well be throwing punches at the air.

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