Saturday, April 5, 2014

things

Things really need to change. I cannot go on wasting life like this. But I honestly don't know what to do.

I keep harping on "the last really-bad time of my life," but that's probably because that story turned out to have a happy ending. At the time, I didn't know it would, and I still don't know how it did. But it did have a happy ending, and I was able to live without destroying myself, or even thinking about myself most of the time.

Now here I am again, thrashing around like I did in my thirties, only much more gracelessly; there is nothing graceful about a fifty-year-old woman in distress. I am unhappy; I push people away; I make resolutions and then break them. I manage to get a foot or two away from the bottom of this hole, only to hear this Voice reminding me of past failures: "you think you're doing so great, yeah? remember that time when you said [this] or did [that]...don't be so damn quick to congratulate yourself..." It takes so little to push me over, and it's my own damn fault, but I don't know how to break this cycle. I can sit for hours staring at nothing, thinking of terrible things, and even though I hate it, I just don't know what to do to make things change. Will it last a year (like it did in my thirties) and then I will be ok again? Or is this blog just going to be a long unread suicide note, some sort of chronicle of descent? I guess as long as I wish things could change and wish I knew what to do, there is some hope. But I don't know how long this will be the case. I don't know if I can outlast this.

No comments: