Friday, August 29, 2014

At least for the moment

At least for the moment, no heartache: my dog has had a few rough days this week, but she's hanging in there.

And yet..I do manage to sabotage things, yes? 

For the past few weeks I've really enjoyed playing viola. Every bit of it, even practice, even sight-reading, everything. I was beginning to think I'd come to terms with my playing such as it is now, and could enjoy it while I'm learning, instead of yearning for perfection all the time.

Last night I had a really good viola lesson. I've been working on the first 2 movements of the 1st Cello Suite, and Mr Summer Teacher wants me to "perform" them (from memory) at next week's lesson, our last. And then, he said, I should play the Bach for Mr Regular Teacher when he gets back. Much to my surprise, I decided that would be a great idea, and I was even looking forward to it. 

And then, and then...at some point during tonight's practice, the vulture glided in and landed on the fence: the old self-doubt came back. I heard every mistake and every bad or badly-executed musical idea so clearly. I was sure I sounded ridiculous. I felt ridiculous. As much as I told myself to stop it, I could not help but imagine Mr Regular Teacher sitting there with his arms crossed (which he would not do, I'm sure) just looking at me like "well? Heh. Nice try." 

Ugh - how counterproductive. Must Stop Now.


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