Monday, September 1, 2014

when I was ok over the summer

Over this weekend I've found myself getting more and more tense about starting orchestra again and starting lessons with my regular teacher again. We had some run-ins over the past year, he and I; I felt I could never play well enough or progress quickly enough to please him, and took everything he said (every criticism, anyway) to heart. 

Over the summer I had a lot of fun playing and learning and messing up and doing all of this again and again, so I was really dismayed to see that mood dissipate and be replaced by dread. So despite my loathing of all things New Age, I thought I'd make a list of things that were cool when I was ok over the summer:

  • playing was fun!
  • mistakes were just mistakes, not evidence of character flaws.
  • Sometimes my mistakes were really funny.
  • I learned a whole bunch of new ways to go at mistakes and try to correct them.
  • I was much more in control over the sound I made, and comfortable enough to fool around with different sounds
  • I was totally able to accept that I was a beginner, not accomplished at all, just doing the best I could and trying to get better. This was a no-brainer; I didn't even have to think it consciously.
  • The whole impostor-syndrome thing was absent
  • As corny as it sounds: I realized it's a journey, not (just) a destination.

There, I feel better. Really, I do. Sometimes this New Age stuff does work.

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