Thursday, October 9, 2014


Yesterday I met with a reconstructive surgeon, as part of a "meet the team!" initiative. Ugh, I hated him. He sells "rejuvenating" serums and creams out of his office, and on the wall of his exam room hung a poster for some sort of "system" vaguely hinting at boosting your immune system to "fight cancer." What a maroon. He really tried to sell me on a new pair of boobs, appealing first to my vanity (sorry, nonexistent) and then my stated desire to retain as much muscle function as possible. He actually told me that radiation could cook my muscles and could cause so much scarring I could lose function. I suspect all those "coulds" could have been to cover his ass, because I think he could have been exaggerating a tad bit. Anyway, I hated him.

The rest of the day was just phone calls, one after the other, scheduling, requesting, asking, answering. I worked maybe 5 minutes of the whole day. Went to rehearsal looking for salvation; even though it was still a violin-fest, I was well aware that this was what I wanted to keep, this was my reason to make sure I don't mess up my pectoral muscles by allowing some maroon to put a balloon under them, or cut them. I didn't play well, but this bad day was about on a par with my good days even last spring.

This morning I woke up early again, full of negativity again. I didn't feel up to my workout but I did it anyway, missed the paces by about a minute at worst. Couldn't make my legs outrun my brain. There is so much going on, and I can't keep track of it all, and I worry I am missing something. After breakfast I decided there was no point in trying to be brave or useful today.

So, I am useless today. I can't stay focused on anything for very long. I am not even making a pretense of working. This is so stupid. There's no reason to be this distracted. This is not a life-threatening disease, after all; it's just something that requires a lot of work to get taken care of. Sure, it will leave me looking quite different than I do now, but it won't kill me, unless I let it go for so long that it mutates into something that can kill me. Hence all this work to get it taken care of. But man, I am useless.

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