Sunday, October 12, 2014

woodshedding

This morning: beautiful clear cool 13 miles of worry/mind going in circles:

what if I don't get to put off surgery until late Nov like I want?
what does the addendum to the pathology report mean, with its H scores and whatnot?
what if the MRI shows more stuff? Worse stuff?
wouldn't it be great if "watchful waiting" (i.e., doing nothing) was a valid treatment option?
it would be such a relief if this all turned out to be a big mistake.
how will I keep my job through all this?
how on earth can I keep my mind on my job through all this?
is it selfish of me to want to wait until late Nov for surgery? That pushes things into 2015 - new calendar year, new deductible, etc.
how strange will it look?
what if the less-invasive surgery is not an option?

Spent most of the day practicing very methodically, things that took just enough of my attention to keep it from wandering. Do this 3 times, now do it a little faster, now in dotted rhythms, now straight. What is the issue...ok, 2nd finger is too high, work on fixing that, do it 5 times, thinking about that 2nd finger, ok now do it 3 more times now that it's right... Whenever I would try to be expressive, though (damned Sitt!) I'd lose focus.

Tomorrow is Second Opinion Appointment; Tuesday is an MRI; Friday is an appointment with the medical oncologist, assuming that Second Opinion concurs and I remain with the current group of doctors. 

This is as worried as I've been.

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Today I really wished I could talk to someone about all this. I tried talking a little with my husband, but I think he gets more worried when he sees I am worried, so we quickly retreated into "try not to worry tonight, it will all be ok". Excepting "business reasons" (work, viola-lesson scheduling), I don't want to tell anyone else yet until I know exactly what is going on and what's going to happen. But it all seems so fluid: the addendum to the pathology report could mean something, or nothing; the MRI could show something new, or nothing new; the Second Opinion doctor could offer a second opinion, or concur with the first one; the surgery (when it happens) could show that they got it all, or there was too much to get. I don't know how I am going to make it through the workday tomorrow.

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