Thursday, November 6, 2014

mayhem

Last night, after orchestra rehearsal, I found myself in a state of disarray. Actually, it started during rehearsal, or even before, but I found myself distracted all evening, unable to focus, making stupid mistakes at rehearsal, feeling like an idiot, and by the time I got home I had invented some nightmare world in which everything was wrong and I was the queen of doing everything wrong. Against all good sense I had a xanax and a big drink with my small supper, and dozed off at the computer before tottering off to bed. Dreamed of moving into a big house, shirking my responsibilities, coming home after too long to find the house dark and my dog dead or dying in the creek running through the great room of the mcmansion.

This morning I knew as soon as I awoke that the mood wasn't going anywhere soon. I did run, even ran some semblance of my workout (workout? why bother? My husband remarked that if he were in my shoes, he'd have quit with the workouts long ago). I toyed with the idea of doing nothing further about this medical stuff. It's expensive, it's annoying, it's a bunch of shit to deal with. I want to stop worrying. I want to go somewhere else, be someone else, find a new job and a new viola teacher and a new orchestra and a whole new musical world, live alone with no history. Forget about the medical stuff, start taking progesterone again so I can feel like the self I used to be, and make a new life that will become the history I want.

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