Friday, November 21, 2014

my mind, the Chinese finger trap



I am letting Every Little Thing stick me with tiny poison-tipped needles.

The incredibly proactive and compassionate HR department at work has announced an emergency mandatory meeting this week, no, next week, no, the week after to "train" us on Open Enrollment for next year's health insurance. I have never worked anywhere that required training for open enrollment; you just checked a box and that was it. I suspect we are going to be told that the company will be changing insurance plans, like it or lump it. I emailed the lovely HR lady asking if the insurance options were going to change significantly, but I don't expect an answer beyond "you'll find out at the mandatory meeting." This is not a time I want to be worrying about insurance.

The transmission light came on in my husband's otherwise very well-behaved car. He needs his car to drive to work, and being a postman he cannot work from home. Even though I can work from home if necessary, he cannot drive my car. Some friends recommended a mechanic but my husband hates talking on the phone, especially to people he doesn't know, so he is home from work today not taking care of his car.

At work I am still toiling on the project to rewrite something that was written wrong a year ago. There were no requirements and no guidance other than "rewrite this; it's wrong." I rewrote based on best guesses and tiny bits of information gleaned from conversations with people who have been with the company long enough to know what this thing is supposed to do. Finally I submitted my code to QA, and finally they got around to QA-ing it. Now the requirements are coming, albeit one at a time: "This data is missing, please fix. This data is supposed to come from here, not there, please fix. This data needs to be formatted differently, please fix. Negative dollar amounts must be excluded, please fix." Why the fuck didn't you tell me this when I asked (and asked, and asked, and asked) what it was you wanted? And why can't you compile a list of thing to "please fix" rather than doling them out one at a time? This thing has dragged out weeks beyond what it should have.

I don't feel like running. Again.

My viola practice just sucks. I lack the concentration to do much or to get anything out what I am doing. Maybe my teacher is right and I should just give it up; I am too old to make anything of it.

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To counteract all the anxiety I am taking an anti-anxiety drug. While it helps me feel better, it is robbing me of my days. The bad stuff (assuming it will be bad, which it might not) has not even started yet. I should be enjoying this time of relative calm and comfort. But I can't remember anything I did yesterday.

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I keep thinking I should be stronger than this.

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