Thursday, December 4, 2014

today's mission

Today's mission was not to freak out.

I am worried about the surgery tomorrow, about what else they might find, about recovery time, about radiation. I am worried that the HR department at my work seems to be really squirrely about this whole thing, throwing obstacles into my path, bitching publicly that insurance premiums will go way up next year due to "high usage". I am not so worried about losing my job, only about losing it at the worst possible moment. I am worried that my husband will find me repulsive. I am worried that I may not be able to do things that make me happy. I worry that I can't control any of this.

There was no work to do today, so I did laundry like a maniac. Tonight I have to wash with special antiseptic soap, and dry off with a clean towel,  get into clean clothes and sleep on freshly washed bedding. Tomorrow I have to wash again with the soap and wear freshly washed clothes. So every stitch in the house is clean. No email from work or otherwise, no one to talk to, no distractions. My husband's parents sent a get-well card, which arrived today. Otherwise I feel like I'm on Mars. I wish I were on Mars.

I did end up with a little work to do, and later a friend called, so I don't feel so disconnected from the world. I have been taking xanax since early afternoon (god forgive me) and drinking since 5pm (again, forgive me) and I don't feel a thing, just very, very alert and slightly unreal, or rather that all this from tomorrow onward is unreal.

But I did not freak out.

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