Saturday, January 31, 2015

cold turkey

When I was diagnosed back in October, my doctor took me off progesterone (the cancer had progesterone receptors) and offered effexor instead, for its off-label use on regulating hot flushes, which I don't even have.  It did nothing worthwhile for me - didn't help me like the progesterone had - but did have some side effects I didn't like. To top things off, it has a reputation of being very difficult to stop taking. So I decided it was evil and I was going to stop taking it. Since I was taking the lowest dose possible, my only option was to stop altogether.

Today is the third day without it. The first two days were ok, and I thought that either I had escaped the bad withdrawal or that everyone on the internet was exaggerating how hard it was to quit. Today has been another story entirely. This is like the worst bad mood coupled with pre-flu (body aches, feverish confused thinking) plus, every so often, a crow walking over my grave. I cry over sad little infographics about dying pets on facebook. It's the weekend, thank god, and I don't have to go anywhere or speak to anyone besides my husband. I hope this doesn't last days and days.

Why on earth would anyone want to take a drug that does such weird stuff to your brain that there is actually a withdrawal associated with it?

Sunday, January 18, 2015

oh, it has been a while

A short while, anyway.

I have not been able to run in almost two weeks. I had a calf cramp while sleeping, ran on the leg and it cramped again, and since then I've been unable to run even intermittently without a lot of pain. It will heal, but it's frustrating.

My viola teacher and I discussed (the recent, unpleasant) things at our last lesson. At least, I think we did. He doesn't like to discuss via email and I don't like real-life conversations, so we are at an impasse without even realizing it. I'm sure something got said, but I can't remember what it was. As far as I know, lessons will continue, but I still have doubts. My former teacher (who is a friend and colleague of my current teacher, and a friend of mine as well) has been wonderful about shoring me up and making me see things as not-so-horrible; she told me about her teacher in grad school, who sounded like a first-class jerk (from what she told me about him) but from whom she learned so much. My current teacher and I did end up making recordings this weekend. Tomorrow I will send them to the people at camp, cross my fingers, and pray.

Work? I don't even want to talk about it.

I haven't seen a doctor since xmas eve, when the radiation guy said I didn't need it. I will remain doctor-free until Feb 3, when I see the medical oncologist for the first time. In many ways the last several weeks have been lovely; I hardly ever think about this health stuff at all.

Monday, January 5, 2015

the best we have to offer

It's interesting how quickly the drama can shift from things like Health and Cancer to things like Viola Lessons and Hurt Feelings. Not much has changed since Saturday's very bad lesson. I submitted my application to the camp (sans recording, which can come later), so now I am trapped. I must find some way to make that recording, even though I can't even pick up my viola without replaying (in my head) every mean thing my teacher said the other day.

In a polite email, I let my teacher know that constant criticism can be, um, demoralizing after a while. I fully expect he will fire me at the next lesson, if not before. I have made more inquiries into finding another teacher but haven't had much success. I wish this were a bigger city, with more viola teachers.

It occurs to me that one can't be that much of a jerk by accident.