Friday, March 20, 2015

decisions, decisions

We went to the orchestra tonight. While the program wasn't 100% compelling, it did provide me with a couple of hours completely unplugged - no email, no social media, no work-related instant messages, no viola to practice, no clothes to launder, etc. This unplugged time gave me a couple of hours to think. For example:

I want to stop feeling like my life is over

I want to start taking progesterone again, so I can feel like a real person

I want to stop trying to learn to play this god damn instrument

I want my life to be over, because I have lost so much of what was worthwhile

I feel unwell lately

I don't want to become a burden to anyone

My father died at 51 years 8 months. I am 51 and will have 8 months in July

There are people I idolize, wish I could be like

I don't want to be the one people point at and laugh at, because I'm so ridiculous

No decisions yet, just mulling it all over.

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