I had another uncomfortable viola lesson yesterday. It was weird. We talked about the adult/recital thing and what it boiled down to was this: my teacher said I could play if I wanted to, but he thought it was strange. So basically, I would get no support from him whatsoever. I said no thank you, that's just ridiculous, recitals are hard enough, you really want your teacher to be in your corner for that. It also came out that he probably didn't have his shit together enough to get a separate adults-only recital going, and besides, the other teachers whose adults he wanted to include in this soiree don't share his prejudice, and prefer to have their adults in their own studios' recitals.
So, no recital for joe positive unless I agree to the terms stated above. I said how about you teach me the erstwhile recital piece line by line, and we won't even think about a recital. He said ok, and proceeded to "teach" by having me play a line and then asking me what I was trying to do. This went nowhere for a while and then it was time to leave.
I am so insanely angry with him. He says things that are painful, he makes me feel terrible, He must want me to quit but he won't fire me. He may say one little nice thing every three weeks, one brava in all of two years, and I fall for it every time, but it always comes back to the same thing. I come to him for his teaching, but all he gives is the time. I ask him a question in email and he never answers. He is so dismissive of me, and he didn't used to be. I wish I knew why.
I have to stop these lessons. I just have to. But I keep putting it off: until this, until that..."maybe it will do me good to just do etudes for a while and not have to worry about pieces, I didn't really want to be in that recital anyway, maybe things will be better now that I have accepted the role of the Adult Student, maybe, maybe..." I wrote a pretty good resignation email but did not send it. But I have it. And it's pretty good.
I will wait a week:
- one more lesson
- one more (ugh) rehearsal
- until after another teacher's open-house thing (a reading party for adults, imagine that) next Saturday
- until I can find out when this other teacher is free to start
I will give it a week. But then I will have to make a decision.