Saturday, March 14, 2015

the elephant in the room

Long week, tiring week, feel really crummy physically, spills over into mentally. I can run, but it takes a lot out of me to do it. My feet feel like blocks of cement, and standing for too long is painful. Last night I had lots of foot cramps while standing to practice viola, but sitting down and taking pressure off them resulted in more cramps. I am always tired. I can fall asleep standing up. My concentration is nil. I have a swollen painful lymph node in my abdomen, of all places, what up with that? It could definitely be worse - I could still be on tamoxifen, for example - but this is no fun.

I was underprepared as usual for my viola lesson today, and my recent luck seemed to run out. What's wrong with the Bach? Everything, to the point that my teacher couldn't even articulate what he wanted, I guess because so much of it was wrong. 

He also let slip that he thought that adults participating in recitals was "very strange". I think he was trying to get me to opt out of the upcoming recital, but that was a crummy way to do it. I've played in his recitals for the past 2 years; was that also strange? Have I looked ridiculous all this time? This is the kind of thing I can drive myself nuts over.

Last week I had a trial lesson with a different teacher. I liked him, but decided to wait until summer to switch, partly because I had committed to playing in this recital (and orchestra and quartet, also led by my current teacher). Secretly I hoped that things would turn around and I would feel better about staying with my current teacher. Now I wish I had just switched and gotten it over with.

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