I took a walk. It was hot. Had to pass by the Rude Boyz (gangbangers one street over with lowered Civics they are always doing something to) twice, coming and going. Someone visiting someone for xmas, visitor had nasty little chihuahua on an untretracted leash, dog runs at me snarling and owner smirks "he don't bite". I could not contain myself and muttered "you need to keep that dog on a leash" which made no sense because he was on a leash, just one that was long enough for him to get really close to me and snarl and snap. Anyway, there went my xmas spirit, such as it wasn't.
It was hot. There were all these people out walking or playing soccer or visiting each other because it's xmas. I wallowed in self-pity: I have no family; I am uncomfortable around my few friends because I feel them judging me for having retired. Not that they ever asked about my work in all those years, or that I ever forced them to listen to tales about it. But now that I don't work, it's just "so, how's retirement?" and "what do you do all day" like there is no right answer. And maybe there isn't one. What do I do? I pay for music lessons so I guess I help put groceries on someone's table. But aside from that, I contribute nothing. I am just a waste of space, which is not a nice thing to contemplate on xmas, or any other day.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Memory of holidays past: xmas 1997. I worked the early shift at the call center. Got home in the early afternoon. The only communication I received that day was a wrong-number collect call from someone in prison.
So things could be worse, yes? Thank god they're not. But this hopelessness snuck up behind me and grabbed me by the throat. I can't stand to be around people, which is ok because there are no people to be around anyway. It's like I resigned from the human race instead of retiring. I contribute nothing, just take up space.
I have a viola lesson tomorrow that I really want to cancel. I don't want to practice, barely managed a warmup with the heavy mute on. Horrified. How can this be? How can I be so repulsed by the thought of playing viola? Has this happened before? Why yes, yes it has. Remember when someone made that innocuous suggestion that maybe viola wasn't "the instrument for me" because I'd been at it 4 years and, well, you know...Yeah, I remember. I was mortified. I could barely bring myself to play a note, and kept the mute on so my awfulness wouldn't be so audible.
So yes, this has happened before, and for better or worse, it passed. And this today will pass sometime. I just have to wait.
at 1:14 PM