Sunday, December 25, 2016

seasonal, uneffective

Memory of holidays past: xmas 1997. I worked the early shift at the call center. Got home in the early afternoon. The only communication I received that day was a wrong-number collect call from someone in prison. 

So things could be worse, yes? Thank god they're not. But this hopelessness snuck up behind me and grabbed me by the throat. I can't stand to be around people, which is ok because there are no people to be around anyway. It's like I resigned from the human race instead of retiring. I contribute nothing, just take up space.

I have a viola lesson tomorrow that I really want to cancel. I don't want to practice, barely managed a warmup with the heavy mute on. Horrified. How can this be? How can I be so repulsed by the thought of playing viola? Has this happened before? Why yes, yes it has. Remember when someone made that innocuous suggestion that maybe viola wasn't "the instrument for me" because I'd been at it 4 years and, well, you know...Yeah, I remember. I was mortified. I could barely bring myself to play a note, and kept the mute on so my awfulness wouldn't be so audible. 

So yes, this has happened before, and for better or worse, it passed. And this today will pass sometime. I just have to wait.

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