Sunday, December 25, 2016

traditionnel.

I took a walk. It was hot. Had to pass by the Rude Boyz (gangbangers one street over with lowered Civics they are always doing something to) twice, coming and going. Someone visiting someone for xmas, visitor had nasty little chihuahua on an untretracted leash, dog runs at me snarling and owner smirks "he don't bite". I could not contain myself and muttered "you need to keep that dog on a leash" which made no sense because he was on a leash, just one that was long enough for him to get really close to me and snarl and snap. Anyway, there went my xmas spirit, such as it wasn't. 

It was hot. There were all these people out walking or playing soccer or visiting each other because it's xmas. I wallowed in self-pity: I have no family; I am uncomfortable around my few friends because I feel them judging me for having retired. Not that they ever asked about my work in all those years, or that I ever forced them to listen to tales about it. But now that I don't work, it's just "so, how's retirement?" and "what do you do all day" like there is no right answer. And maybe there isn't one. What do I do? I pay for music lessons so I guess I help put groceries on someone's table. But aside from that, I contribute nothing. I am just a waste of space, which is not a nice thing to contemplate on xmas, or any other day.

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