Wednesday, June 21, 2017

wonders.

A very few sips of rye can work such wonders. But it doesn't last too long, and defies being-chased-after, and it's not good for me anyway.

Today did not start well. I ran. 8.5 miles, under 10min pace (which, for me, these days, is an accomplishment). But I hated people and this country and the government and people and myself and people the entire time. Came home and had a leisurely breakfast/lunch, put off starting to practice as long as I could. Once I did start practicing, it didn't go poorly. I kind of decided not to be so rigid today, not to stress over camp music, not to commit mentally to 5 hours of practice after which I would assess my playing and determine that I don't sound like someone who practices 5 hours a day. And then hate myself. No, not today. 

Later, I had rehearsal. Arrived just before the sky opened up. Played better than last week, though still not well. We went over and over a section that we hadn't yet covered, that we all asserted we didn't know and were just sight-reading, but the other people are so much better at sight-reading than I am. They were actually learning and getting better with each run-through, whereas I was just making mental notes to go home and learn it better. I would actually see a clump of notes on the page and just think, "no, not now, I'll learn it at home, don't want to risk reading it now." Yikes. Thank god I am just the second viola. Hopefully they were all listening to themselves, and if they were paying attention to the group as a whole, they didn't hear the viola.

Regarding the country: I'm almost done. In yesterday's special elections, Democrats consistently lost. The people have spoken; they got what they wanted. The majority is happy with an idiot monster in charge. In this country, the majority opinion rules and we all must abide by it. I hope I outlast him.

Regarding people: I crave solitude more and more. The thought of having to speak to people - in person, on the phone, whatever - makes my chest feel tight. I really don't know what to do about this.

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